10 Lessons I’ve Learned in 10 Years of Marriage

It’s a funny thing to choose someone to spend the rest of your life with. I say that because when you’re falling in love and making that decision, you don’t realize what all is going to happen in your future together. You can’t begin to imagine the things you’ll get to face as a couple. We’ve been through a lot together in these ten years, and I am happy that as we get ready to start the next decade, that we’ve got a little bit of knowledge and know-how to help us navigate the way. Now don’t you for a second think I’ve got anything figured out, because I certainly do not. But, I have learned A LOT and want to share that with you as a tribute to my now ten year old marriage.

Love Your Spouse According to Their Love Language. Not Yours.

Most of us have heard about the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. At the website, you can take a quiz that tells you what your love languages are. Well, one of mine is gifts-meaning I like to receive gifts because that makes me feel loved. Before we took this quiz, I would try to buy Paul gifts that I thought would be meaningful or special, and he couldn’t have cared less. That’s because gifts are not Paul’s love language. It took me a few years to figure this out, and I’m still inclined to buy him things and have to really think about it because that doesn’t make him feel like I love him. He’s always appreciative of gifts he receives, but if you’re trying to show him that you love him, buying him a gift doesn’t always do it.
Learning how to love your spouse and how to show it is worth the extra effort.

You Can, in Fact, Learn to Compromise. You Can, in Fact, Unlearn Things You Thought Were “Right” All for the Betterment of Your Marriage

I’m mostly talking about laundry here. We didn’t live together until we got married, and when you come together as a couple and merge all the things, it’s pretty given that your laundry will be a mixture of your and your spouse’s clothes.
Growing up, my parents would often mix dark colored clothes with light colored clothes to make a proper-sized load of laundry. And on many occasions the underwear was washed with the clothes also. I did this a few times after we got married, and Paul suggested that I could learn a new way to do the laundry- his way. 🙂 I resisted and fought him on this for many months. I mean, I got full on angry about that fact that he cared so much about the stupid laundry. I was doing it, wasn’t I? But, finally, I decided this fight was not worth it, and if I just heard him out and tried it his way, then maybe our laundry would still get done AND we wouldn’t argue about laundry.
Guess what? I did try it his way, and I’m still doing it his way ten years later. We’ve both compromised on many, many things throughout our marriage, but this one sticks out as the first thing I set aside my stubbornness for, and it has proven that we can both relinquish control over things and be just fine.

Year 1 is Really Damn Hard

It just is. When people tell you it’s all fairy tales and the best year of your life, they’re lying. If you’ve never lived with the person you’re marrying, there is a real learning curve to living with them. You just chose to spend the rest of your life with someone and that means sharing a bathroom, sharing a closet, learning their sleeping/eating/bathroom habits, how long it takes them to get ready, what they like to do when they come home from work, what kind of TV shows they like to watch, what kind of music they want to listen to when they clean the house, etc.
And if you’re a people pleaser like I am, you’ll want to do everything right and want to make your spouse happy. Hang that up right now. You’ll do plenty to make them happy, but if you want to blare Hamilton’s cast album while you clean your house, do it proudly and buy them some headphones to listen to their own music. See? Compromise. 🙂

You Will Fight About Food-Constantly

All. The. Time. We still do this. Weekly. And don’t get me started on picking somewhere to eat outside of Greenville. Lord, have mercy! Just accept that you will fight about this or freaking flip a coin. That’s my only advice here.

Sometimes They’ll Surprise You
When You Least Expect It

When you’ve been married for a while and learn the habits of your spouse, whether you like them or not (the habits, not the spouse), sometimes they’ll do something that surprises the heck out of you and make you love them even more. Here’s an example for us:
I’ve always been a church-goer. I didn’t go very often in college and struggled to find a place to attend in Louisiana until I met my friend, Erica. I got involved there and then God brought us back home to Greenville. We struggled to find a place here, too. Well, around Christmas or just before Christmas last year, Paul and I were talking and he suggested we start trying to find church to attend together. He knew how much it meant to me, and he gets up early before he has to work on Sundays and we go. Or we did before COVID. And another example that piggybacks on church… We decided to give up something for Lent this year, and Paul asks me for some ideas on what he should give up. I suggested he give up dipping and see how it went. He’s dipped tobacco for a very long time. Y’all, he hasn’t touched the stuff since Ash Wednesday. I’m so proud of him! I had no idea he’d actually take the suggestion to heart and try something that difficult, but he did and it was a very happy surprise.

Neither of You is Perfect. You Will Both Make Mistakes and Do Things to Disappoint Each Other

I don’t really have anything else to say about this other than this is just the way it is. It will be big things and small things, important things and stupid things. It will go both ways, and you’ll hate it both ways. But that leads me to the next one…

Give Grace

Give grace to your spouse and to yourself. You are human. You are guaranteed to fail and mess up because being human means you are one big imperfect being. Luckily, we are given grace everyday by God, and in that, we can give grace to others. Don’t hang on to that grudge for long. Life’s too short.

The Little Moments Mean So Much More
Than the Big Ones

Yes, big moments are super special, but there are so many little moments that have captured my heart over the years. They are truly precious memories I hope I never forget. Some of my favorite ones are when we’ve cranked up some country music (the old stuff) and sang along, sipped wine, and talked late into the night. We still do that, ten years in, and I’m still learning stuff about the man. It’s nothing big and special and usually in our comfy clothes and me with no makeup, but they’re some of the most fun nights we’ve ever had.

Pray for Your Spouse

I think this is one of the best things you can do for your spouse and for your marriage. You likely won’t see immediate results, but that doesn’t matter. Don’t ever give up. Keep praying for your spouse- for all the things you can think of. God hears you and works everyday in ways you could never know.

• 

• 

Don’t Talk Badly About Your Spouse to ANYONE

This, second to prayer, is maybe the best advice I’ve ever been given when it comes to marriage. Here’s why- no one loves your spouse the same way you do. Not their mama, not your mama, not your friends or their friends. It’s a different kind of love that only you have. And listen, there are times when you will want to tell about the time you got so mad that you kicked them out and made them sleep in a hotel for a night. (For the sake of transparency, this hasn’t happen to us. Yet. It very well could because life is funny like that.) But the second you tell your friends or your mama that that has happened, they will NEVER forget it and will forever judge your spouse for that one incident.
My marriage is my business. I discuss the hard things with Paul. We work on them together, because that helps us to grow. If you’re newly married reading this, I cannot express profoundly enough that your marriage is YOUR business. I know I’m sharing snippets of it here in this post and online on social media, but the really important things stay between us.
I feel like I need to say that if you do need counsel on issues in your marriage, seek it out. I do encourage a non-biased party to offer that counseling, though.

Paul, I cannot believe it’s been ten years! How have you put up with me for this long? Thank you for loving me and continuing to love me everyday. I love you! Here’s to the next ten!